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Submitted on
December 31, 2012
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What if I need you to stop me?
What if I need you to stop me making myself sick for the fifth time today?
What if I need you to stop me running that razor across my wrist tonight?
But I've got to not need you anymore...

Where are you?
Where are you when I swallow all those pills?
Where are you when I run out of a classroom bursting into tears?
But you're not here for me anymore...

Who can I talk to?
Who can I talk to when I don't want to eat for four days?
Who can I talk to when I can't take things anymore?
But you don't really care anymore....

Who can give me that support?
Who's going to tell me it's okay to be scared?
Who's going to give me that hug when I'm shaking?
But not you, because my problems aren't your responsibility anymore...

But now I am alone.
And I can't feel this way.... Not anymore.
My sister, who was there for me for everything, has told me "Your problems are not my responsibility anymore. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not for me to take care of you."

Just a little poem on that for you.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, the initial interpretation of the piece, based on the title, is that this is a love poem. However, it is more of a cry for love than anything else.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

Throughout this piece you ask a lot of rhetorical questions - rhetorical in the sense that you would never ask them to your sister so you would never get any answer least of all the one you desire. While questions within a poem certainly do help to set the mood, you need to make use of imagery and all the devices given to you (alliteration, metaphors etc) in order to really bring your emotion across to the reader in a way that they can picture it and feel it with you.

Nice use of ellipses at the end of L4, ST1. It creates a gentle pause with some suspense which leads nicely into L1 of St2.

L4 of ST2 should not have the 'but' due to the tense of the ST. You have asked 'where' in all three of your questions, so to start the 'answer' with 'but' doesn't fit. I would simply start it with 'you're'.

Again nice use of ellipses at the end of the ST.

Again in ST3 I would leave out the 'but' in L4.

Again in ST4 I would leave out the 'but' in L4.

With regards to the final two lines, again I would remove the 'but' and simply start with 'now'.

There is some confusion created by your final line. Can't feel what way? The 'depression/anorexic/bulimic' way or the 'questioning' way. Does this lead to death? Does this lead to finding someone else to confide in? (Rhetorical questions that are raised - which is a good way to end a poem).

Overall:
Your grammar is good, as is your punctuation
This is a very emotional piece, as is evident by the questions you ask, but it could do with some more 'meat' such as imagery etc
You use formatting very well

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:

Jo
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:iconspaghettiandeddsauce:
SpaghettiandEddsauce Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Student Writer
Awwe honey...
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay. ^^
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:iconluckydraws:
luckydraws Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh dang... I hope you feel better, and please don't cut yourself. Remember that their is a purpose and happiness out there for everyone ^^. You were put on this earth for a reason, and it was to do good, so please don't hurt yourself. ^^
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay. I feel better since I wrote that and am trying hard to get things back on track for myself. ^^
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:iconluckydraws:
luckydraws Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
good for you! that is truly a admirable thing to do :)
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I just hope that day by day I can pick up the pieces. :hug:
Reply
:iconluckydraws:
luckydraws Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ill definitly be rooting for you. Although I can't possibly know the pain you're going through, I've certainly experienced some lows in my life-- so I can understand a little bit. Please get better :) and you can talk to me anytime ^^
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~. That means a lot to me, really. ^^ I'll try to get better, and hopefully one day I will.
Reply
:iconluckydraws:
luckydraws Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
no problem no problem! good luck good luck, jia you jiao you! (chinese for good luck) lol
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~. :hug:
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013   Writer
She may not have been scared, but it may have been too much responsibility for her to handle. Some people think that they are strong and can handle others' burdens, but when the burdens become too much they chuck them off and leave.

I hope you find someone else to help you out.
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think that, too. All my friends have done that too me, unfortunately. But thank you, I do, too, though it seems unlikely. :hug: x
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013   Writer
I'm sure there's someone out there who won't chuck you off - maybe it will have to be a therapist, but maybe it will be a new friend.
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope there is, that much is for sure. I'm not very good at making new friends though... :hug:
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013   Writer
I don't think that many people with Depression (diagnosed or not) and other 'disorders' are, because of the fear of judgement.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. Especially since I hurt myself. I just don't want them to hate me the second they see me, so I stay away.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013   Writer
:hug:
It's like that for a lot of people. But there are a few who won't run - it's just finding them that's the problem.
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really hope I can find them. :huggle:
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(1 Reply)
:iconwaiting-for-wings:
waiting-for-wings Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think she's probably just scared, it isn't easy looking after and being with someone who isn't ok. She's probably trying to cope in her own way. I'm sorry about this
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No, she's not scared, but thank you anyway.x
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:iconlady---vengeance:
Lady---Vengeance Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Wonderfully written. And I'm in a very similar situation so I understand. Here if you wanna talk about it to a weird stranger :XD: :hug:
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~! :hug: I'm sorry to hear that. :tighthug: And that would be good, but the same to you, okay? Here if you need. xx
Reply
:iconlady---vengeance:
Lady---Vengeance Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Any time :) and thank you :hug: (and sorry for the late reply!) x
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:icondj19979:
Dj19979 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
I know that I will never be as good as our sister Jess but I will do everything in my power to help in anyway, and I will do everything and anything to help you, and you can always count on me to be there for you sis.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much Dan, I appreciate it a lot.xx
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:icondj19979:
Dj19979 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
Anytime Sis. xx
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:iconlarien-ancalime:
Larien-Ancalime Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sorry...and I don't quite know how it feels with the cutting or pills, but I sure do about not eating...depression isn't a fun place to be...
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Don't be sorry! It's fine, really. Sorry to hear that you know that, it's horrible. And no, but I hope you are out of it~. :tighthug:
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:icongemmfyre666:
Gemmfyre666 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
very well written :)
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, and thank you for the fave. :la:
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:icongemmfyre666:
Gemmfyre666 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you are very welcome :)
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:icontwistyfox:
TwistyFox Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This may sound a little cold right now, but she's right. keep in mind though it doesn't mean she loves you any less. The person you need to turn to to stop you is you, hun. You need to love and care about yourself enough to make it stop. You have the strength in you to do it. There is a point people reach when they have habits like cutting themselves, where they know they can get someone else to stop them, so they stop trying to stop themselves altogether, and that's a dangerous point to reach. It's hard as hell to do, to force yourself to rely on, well, yourself for things like that. In the beginning there wil be points where it doesn't work at all. but it gets easier with practice. I found that one of the best ways to stop myself from doing things like this was to ask myself "Why?" "why am I doing this?" Sometimes it was for the stupidest, or most trivial reasons, and the realization was enough make me stop what I was about to do. Sometimes, I understand that won't be enough. THAT'S when you're going to need to turn to somebody, or try to at least minmize the damage. I would suggest, if you don't already have one that you get a counciller. They're an unbiased source of information and advice to talk to. You can normally find one through your doctor, free and confidentially. Also, if you do have one but find they arn't really helping, remember you CAN find a different one, that does work for you.

Sorry about the rant or if any of it sounded preachy, I'm just trying to offer some honest advice from experience. I hope you manage to patch things up with your sister, and like many others have said; if you'd like to talk to me about it, feel free.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's okay, and thank you for your advice. I will think about it. And thank you. Knowing I have people who care even a little helps so much. :glomp:
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:icontwistyfox:
TwistyFox Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, I hope my advice helps out. Anyways, like I said, anytime. Also, happy new year's. :)
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:iconsiruswolf:
siruswolf Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I kinda know what this feels like. He was a horrible person and I actually got a tear from this.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Awww! Sorry to hear that. I hope things are okay now. :hug:
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:iconsiruswolf:
siruswolf Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
;; Im tryin and thanks.
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:iconpointedearsgirl:
PointedEarsGirl Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student General Artist
:( I know it probably doesn't make a diffrence, but, I'm sorry.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's so nice of you, thank you. :hug: But it's okay, don't be sorry when something isn't your fault. And thank you for he fave! :la:
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:iconpotatoab10:
Potatoab10 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
Loved this so much!
p.s I think you forgot the 't' in stop on the second line.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you liked it! And thank you, I'v fixed it now. :)
Reply
:iconbrownez-koekoez:
Brownez-Koekoez Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
BPD?
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I haven't been diagnosed as having any mental illness except OCD, despite being on several different medications for other things. :hug:
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:iconmlphipps1991:
mlphipps1991 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Being rejected by someone who's a support system sucks- it's like being punched in the stomach. I'm sorry you're going through this. As I'm sure others have said, if you want to talk, I'm available. Just know that. Be safe and hold on.
Reply
:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know... It just makes you feel absolutely worthless. And thank you. :hug:
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:iconmlphipps1991:
mlphipps1991 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Btw, I created the group #Artistic-Therapies, in which it is for actual art therapies as well as for those who use art forms a stress relievers/coping mechanisms. I'd love for you to join.
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:iconstarvingslicingteen:
StarvingSlicingTeen Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sure, thank you. :la:
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:iconinuyasha1167:
inuyasha1167 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
holy shit this hits me in more than one way about a person
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