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:iconstarvingslicingteen: More from StarvingSlicingTeen

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Submitted on
December 31, 2012
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73 (who?)
What if I need you to stop me?
What if I need you to stop me making myself sick for the fifth time today?
What if I need you to stop me running that razor across my wrist tonight?
But I've got to not need you anymore...

Where are you?
Where are you when I swallow all those pills?
Where are you when I run out of a classroom bursting into tears?
But you're not here for me anymore...

Who can I talk to?
Who can I talk to when I don't want to eat for four days?
Who can I talk to when I can't take things anymore?
But you don't really care anymore....

Who can give me that support?
Who's going to tell me it's okay to be scared?
Who's going to give me that hug when I'm shaking?
But not you, because my problems aren't your responsibility anymore...

But now I am alone.
And I can't feel this way.... Not anymore.
My sister, who was there for me for everything, has told me "Your problems are not my responsibility anymore. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not for me to take care of you."

Just a little poem on that for you.
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I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of

Firstly, the initial interpretation of the piece, based on the title, is that this is a love poem. However, it is more of a cry for love than anything else.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

Throughout this piece you ask a lot of rhetorical questions - rhetorical in the sense that you would never ask them to your sister so you would never get any answer least of all the one you desire. While questions within a poem certainly do help to set the mood, you need to make use of imagery and all the devices given to you (alliteration, metaphors etc) in order to really bring your emotion across to the reader in a way that they can picture it and feel it with you.

Nice use of ellipses at the end of L4, ST1. It creates a gentle pause with some suspense which leads nicely into L1 of St2.

L4 of ST2 should not have the 'but' due to the tense of the ST. You have asked 'where' in all three of your questions, so to start the 'answer' with 'but' doesn't fit. I would simply start it with 'you're'.

Again nice use of ellipses at the end of the ST.

Again in ST3 I would leave out the 'but' in L4.

Again in ST4 I would leave out the 'but' in L4.

With regards to the final two lines, again I would remove the 'but' and simply start with 'now'.

There is some confusion created by your final line. Can't feel what way? The 'depression/anorexic/bulimic' way or the 'questioning' way. Does this lead to death? Does this lead to finding someone else to confide in? (Rhetorical questions that are raised - which is a good way to end a poem).

Your grammar is good, as is your punctuation
This is a very emotional piece, as is evident by the questions you ask, but it could do with some more 'meat' such as imagery etc
You use formatting very well


Awwe honey...
StarvingSlicingTeen Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay. ^^
Hidden by Owner
luckydraws Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh dang... I hope you feel better, and please don't cut yourself. Remember that their is a purpose and happiness out there for everyone ^^. You were put on this earth for a reason, and it was to do good, so please don't hurt yourself. ^^
StarvingSlicingTeen Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's okay. I feel better since I wrote that and am trying hard to get things back on track for myself. ^^
luckydraws Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
good for you! that is truly a admirable thing to do :)
StarvingSlicingTeen Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I just hope that day by day I can pick up the pieces. :hug:
luckydraws Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ill definitly be rooting for you. Although I can't possibly know the pain you're going through, I've certainly experienced some lows in my life-- so I can understand a little bit. Please get better :) and you can talk to me anytime ^^
StarvingSlicingTeen Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~. That means a lot to me, really. ^^ I'll try to get better, and hopefully one day I will.
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