I want to be one of those girls The ones with the three inch gap between their thighs and the stick thin legs. One of those teenagers Who you see in the street with their arms all sliced up. One of those children Who don't have to count everything. One of those kids Who have a boyfriend and are never alone. One of those students Who has loads of friends. One of those people Who can be just 'Fine'.
But I want to be Normal.
I want to be able to eat. I want to be able to not cut. I want to be able to just relax. I want to be able to not be alone. I want to be able to make friends. I want to be just fine.
It speaks a lot about you. I'm not sure if you should be as exposing yourself, but after all we all need to yell to the world sometimes. You're not alone, we from are here for you. I said it before, I'm telling you again, if you ever need something just note me. ^^
Sorry, I've been away for a while due to having too much school work and other things to deal with.
Thank you, and yeah, I see what you mean, but I wish more people //could// see how I really am. I have to hide from everyone in my life, and sometimes it can get a little exhausting.
Thanks again, it's good to know I'm not. I feel it so much, so it's nice to hear that people care, especially since all that goes round in my head is that people don't. I will do, thank you.x Just right now, school work is horrible and draining me.
Firstly, Your title speaks of a longing, yet in your first stanza you are longing for things that nobody should long for. I would consider changing the title.
Now, the crit: ST = Stanza L = Line I would personally break this up into sections. For example:
"I want to be one of those girls The ones with the three inch gap between their thighs and the stick thin legs.
But I want to be Normal.
I want to be able to eat."
- And then move on to the next section. Because as it stands you emphasise the 'bad' as in wanting to be anorexic and wanting to be a cutter in your first few lines and that wanting or longing almost spoils the ending where you say you don't actually want those things, but you want to rather be normal.
I like how you go from girls, to teenagers, to children, to kids, to students to people, making each one different yet the same. It adds to the piece that there is repetition, but it is not totally repeated.
This piece could do with a comma after the first line of the first section, as that really doesn't flow on to the rest unless you change 'the ones' to the word 'with'.
Personally I would mix this up, because at the moment it sounds as if you are promoting self-harm and eating disorders, which I don't think was (or I hope wasn't) your intention.
Overall: A really emotional piece. Slightly cliché, but nicely written. A bit too much 'promotion' for my liking, though that's a personal opinion. Good grammar and punctuation. Nice use of formatting to emphasise certain words. You end with a good message.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More